How about a Joke thread?

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How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 27 Tue Sep, 2016 2:06 pm

Like none of us have anything better to do... I know, but this one stumbled across my screen and I wanted to share and thought what better way... If you know one or hear one, share it here.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 28 Wed Sep, 2016 4:43 pm

THIS is a good friend...

A man brings his best buddy back home for dinner. His wife screams at him, "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas & I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!!! ~ What the hell did you bring him here for?"

"Cause he's thinking of getting married."
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Heathwerner » 28 Wed Sep, 2016 7:00 pm

I was out cruising around in my Dune Buggy this weekend and not paying attention I ran into a car at a stop light.
The driver got and it turned out he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I said " Well, which one are you then?"
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby GregR » 30 Fri Sep, 2016 5:51 am

Four Buggy Nuts are out cruising..... one was a salted
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 30 Fri Sep, 2016 6:27 am

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym, when he spotted a sweet young thing.

He asked his male trainer, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and replied, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 06 Thu Oct, 2016 9:38 am

How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to screw in all the bulbs they have in stock, and the other to tell you they'll have to replace the whole socket.
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 06 Thu Oct, 2016 9:42 am

I was driving the green Manx on I35 the other day and noticed a guy ahead of me was driving a banana. Yes a huge yellow banana?

I tried to catch up with him, but he peeled off.
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Bobsbuggy » 01 Tue Nov, 2016 12:38 pm

The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?" The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that." But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Way more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Cop: Much more important.
Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"
Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Bobsbuggy » 03 Thu Nov, 2016 2:40 pm

Q: Where do Volkswagens go when they get old?
A: The Old Volks home!
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby ScottR » 08 Tue Nov, 2016 10:29 pm

I overheard a conversation at a restaurant the other day that went something like this:

Brunette: Sometimes I wonder how far things really are, you know like, which is further, Florida or the moon?

Blonde: Florida is further...you can see the moon, duh!
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Bobsbuggy » 09 Wed Nov, 2016 4:50 pm

Q: What do you call a VW bus at the top of a hill?
A: A miracle.

Q. How do you make a VW accelerate from 0-60 mph in less than 15 seconds?
A. Push it off a cliff.
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 10 Thu Nov, 2016 10:52 am

What do you call a person who is happy on a Monday?

Retired!
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby staggerwing » 10 Thu Nov, 2016 11:36 am

Now THAT'S a good one! Keep em coming Ken..
Dangit, can't seem to wipe this smile off my face. Think I'll go have a glass of wine..
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 14 Mon Nov, 2016 11:35 am

Yes Richard that one was for you.

I told Delia I was sick of my job and going to retire and live off our savings. She didn't really argue, but she did want to know what I would do for income after the first week. I'm at work today. :evil: :evil:
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Bobsbuggy » 14 Mon Nov, 2016 3:56 pm

I work to buy a car to go to work.
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 07 Wed Dec, 2016 12:07 pm

Mens Helpline!

"Hello, You have reached the 'Men's Help Line.' My name is Ken. How can I help you?"

Hi Ken, I really need your advice on what may be a potentially serious problem.

I suspect my wife is cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up.

She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.

Last night, I woke up and she was still not home, so I hid in the garage behind my buggy and waited for her.

When she got home, she got out of someone's car, still buttoning her blouse, while walking to the house.

It was at that moment, while crouched behind my buggy, that I noticed a hairline crack in the oil filter mounting bracket.
- "Is that something I can weld, or will I need to replace the whole bracket?"
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 13 Tue Dec, 2016 3:38 pm

A Small Texas Town Looking for Deputy Sheriff...

A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.
The interviewing officer says, "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the table he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the officer, "when can you start?"
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Bobsbuggy » 14 Wed Dec, 2016 11:41 am

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.." "I got one too... see?" the Texan says. "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Beetle says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a king-size bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Beetle are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

(It's OK... This joke is CLEAN)

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?" "Check this out...I got a KING-SIZE installed in my Rolls."

"The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT ????"
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby staggerwing » 17 Sat Dec, 2016 9:22 am

Contributed by middle sister Cindy:

What has more lives than a cat? A frog...it croaks every night.

What do you get when you cross a dog with an elephant? A very nervous postman?

It's early Saturday morning, so she's just warming up.
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Heathwerner » 19 Mon Feb, 2018 11:00 am

A man comes home from work early and finds his wife in bed with his best friend. In a rage he shoots his best friend and kills him. His wife then says " if you keep acting like that you won't have any friends left"
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Rick&Cyndi M » 20 Fri Jul, 2018 4:58 pm

This isn't a joke, but it's pretty cool. Make sure you watch the video with the orange buggy about half way thru the article.

http://www.foxnews.com/auto/2018/07/20/exclusive-steve-mcqueen-linked-dune-buggy-may-be-stunt-car-from-his-unfinished-epic-film-yucatan.html

Exclusive: Steve McQueen-linked dune buggy may be a stunt car from his unfinished epic film 'Yucatan'

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Last edited by Rick&Cyndi M on 23 Mon Jul, 2018 5:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 23 Mon Jul, 2018 7:55 am

That was very cool. McQueen was a larger than life figure when I was a kid.
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 25 Wed Jul, 2018 6:13 am

It's so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 26 Wed Sep, 2018 9:49 am

This hit way too close to home for me!!!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.
I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed.
The bills aren't paid.
There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface.
The flowers don't have enough water.
There is still only one check in my checkbook.
I can't find the TV remote.
I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

PS. I just remembered, I left the water running......................................
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby johber41 » 26 Wed Sep, 2018 11:58 am

A man decides that he has had enough of city living so he buys a place in the country, like Driftwood Texas, or Rosenberg Texas, and begins to move in. As he is moving his things into his country home, he notices his farming neighbor has a pet pig but especially notices that the pig only has three legs.

The city guy sees the farmer out in his yard working on his blue sand rail dune buggy and he leans over the fence and asks the farmer why his pig only has three legs.

The farmer responds and tells the city guy that the three legged pig is a remarkable animal and further explains how the pig saved his children from a house fire by dragging each of his five children out of the burning house to safety. The farmer then tells the city guy how in a separate incident the pig saved his wife who had fallen in the house and broken her leg and how the pig ran to a neighbors house to get help for the injured wife.

The city guy, while still looking at the three legged pig, agreed that the pigs actions were remarkable but that he still did not understand why the pig only had three legs.

The farmer explained that a pig that remarkable is very special and that you don't eat a pig that special all at once!
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 18 Fri Jan, 2019 3:17 pm

So I've been cleaning some old email files. At one time I was collecting Chuck Norris facts, as I would come across them.

Here are a couple of them...
- While vacationing in France, Chuck Norris went out for a casual bike ride and accidentally won the Tour De France.
- When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris
- Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.
- Chuck Norris won American Idol using sign language.
- Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.
- Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
- Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.
- There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 22 Tue Jan, 2019 9:57 am

- Once the cop pulled over Chuck Norris....the cop was lucky to leave with a warning.
- If you rate this 5 roundhouse kicks, then Chuck Norris WILL roundhouse kick Justin Bieber's ass.
- Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.
- Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.
- Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
- Some magicians can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.
- Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke....that truck is now known as Optimums Prime.
- Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 28 Mon Jan, 2019 12:27 pm

- Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.
- Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the poop out of it.
- Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
- Chuck Norris grew a beard at the age of eighteen. Seconds.
- Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
- Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.

Isn't someone going to stop this?
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 31 Thu Jan, 2019 1:24 pm

- Chuck Norris can leave a message before the beep.
- Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need Twitter, he's already following you.

I can do this all day long people.... all day long!
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 01 Fri Feb, 2019 12:47 pm

- NASA beams episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger to outer space as a warning for Aliens of what will happen if they invade Earth.
- Chuck Norris can draw a perfect circle with a ruler.
- Chuck Norris doesn't have a shadow. His shadow isn't stupid enough to follow him around.
- Chuck Norris was dropped twice as a baby. First on Hiroshima, then on Nagasaki.


:mrgreen:
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby johber41 » 04 Mon Feb, 2019 7:14 am

Someone please post a joke....we don't want Ken to work so hard
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 05 Tue Feb, 2019 11:17 am

- The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he made a mistake.
- Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
- Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake........ After three days of pain and agony ..................the rattle snake died.
- Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 05 Tue Feb, 2019 11:21 am

Dang that Chuck Norris is a bad ass!
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby johber41 » 05 Tue Feb, 2019 8:07 pm

Its all those workouts on the Total Gym with Christie Brinkely! I wonder if there is a Chuck Norris dune buggy?
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 05 Tue Feb, 2019 8:41 pm

- Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
- Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
- Chuck Norris can capitalize numbers.
- In Monopoly, you pay Chuck Norris to stay off your property.
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 05 Tue Feb, 2019 8:46 pm

johber41 wrote:Its all those workouts on the Total Gym with Christie Brinkely! I wonder if there is a Chuck Norris dune buggy?

I found this, but not sure it counts.
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby johber41 » 05 Tue Feb, 2019 10:59 pm

That's pretty darn close! Is that buggy Crazy Alice's grandmother?
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 08 Fri Feb, 2019 12:34 pm

- Chuck Norris puts phone companies on hold.
- Chuck Norris once won a stare-down contest blindfolded..... over the phone, without dialing a number.
- Chuck Norris is not immortal, he just chooses not to die.
- When children go to bed, they take a teddy bear with them. When Chuck Norris goes to bed, he takes a grizzly bear with him.
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 16 Sat Feb, 2019 10:36 am

- Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a circular room.
- Chuck Norris puts the 'laughter' in "manslaughter'.
- The Universe is constantly expanding, in a futile attempt to escape from Chuck Norris.
- Bruce Lee's weapon of choice is the nun-chuck, which is named after Chuck Norris' toothpick.

:D
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 23 Fri Aug, 2019 11:16 am

Chuck Norris is so persuasive that he convinced a mirror he wasn't there.
Chuck Norris doesn't turn on the shower he looks at it until it cry's.
Chuck Norris donates blood to NASA for rocket fuel.
The sheep on Chuck Norris' farm are the ones that give us steel wool.
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Re: How about a Joke thread?

Postby Ken » 02 Mon Sep, 2019 11:08 pm

Chuck Norris is in the news again. thank you Mary Ann.
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